Forgiveness and love
by Flodart
Summary: How long will it take for Magnus and Alec to realize how much they miss each other?


Magnus looked outside the window and stared for hours watching the city live.  
He didn't realised for how long he had been standing right there until the sun went down.  
Nothing made sense since _that day_.  
He felt he did the right thing. Even though he loved Alec and he will always love him, he would never be more prepared to leave him. And never is a huge word.  
It is so hard to be immortal. Magnus sighed and wished Alec understood. Wished it wasn't that hard to be on the other's shoes, to understand that immortality is more like a curse than a blessing.  
Seeing everyone you know dying in front of your eyes, and not being able to help because that's the way life of the mortals is. There is a point where you can't save anyone.  
Sometimes, when he felt _that_ sad, he just tried to remember that Alec would eventually die some day, and maybe it is better not to suffer that much.  
Because he never suffered really much, only the first few times; but he knew he would, because his relationship with Alec was nothing like the others he'd been in.  
But this day, especially, in this moment, everything was different.  
Instead of thinking on the perks of being far away from his beloved one while he dies, he felt that he would never be able to tell him how much he loves him.  
He would never be able to hold his body and tell him the most beautiful, meaningful words while he leaves this world. He imagined Alec's eyes closing slowly,  
that beautiful smile of his appearing in his lips like in a painting while his soul left that old body. The marks of age that would appear in his face and Magnus  
would never see. Because of his pride. Because he hasn't explained Alec why he acted like that. Alec was too young. It's probably very hard for him to understand what Magnus means when he says immortality is no good. He saw it in Tessa. He saw Tessa growing up pretending she was a normal teenager and then realising that everything she loved was fading away and letting her alone in such a cruel world. He saw Tessa trying to forget she was immortal and not understanding that she would have forever to repair her mistakes, but only the lifetime of her beloved ones to do whatever they wanted to do with her.  
Tessa didn't really understand immortality until everyone else died. Maybe that's what Alec needed. No words, but seeing what Magnus meant.  
'He's only 18' he repeated to himself. And then, sadly, the voice in his head corrected: _'19'. 'ALEC IS NINETEEN'_. It was Alec's birthday today. That's why Magnus was so sad. That's why Magnus spent the entire day imagining what would it be like to be with him and to sing him 'happy birthday' along with his family and friends.  
He imagined his beautiful face blushing and feeling awkward while everybody sang. And then his smile when everybody clapped and gave him presents. And then wishing Max was there. And then wishing Magnus was there. And then spending the rest of the night in the training room throwing daggers to the wall. And then crying to sleep.  
Magnus didn't want to feel so attached to a mortal. He knew how it all would end up and he didn't want to suffer that much once again. And it was Alec, so it would be probably the biggest suffering in his whole entire existence. A long existence.

Alec's innocence and purism and personality made Magnus love him more every second. Even if he hadn't seen him in a couple of months that felt like eternity.

Like if his life actually started when he met the blue eyed boy and then there wasn't nothing worth living if he wasn't there.

The stories he told Alec, the nights they spent laughing, the fear he felt everytime his little shadowhunter was called for a mission.  
'I should really stop thinking about it' he said. As a response, Chairman Meow meowed.  
Magnus layed in his bed looking at the roof and trying to clear his mind.  
Someone called at the front door. He smiled and remembered that time when the doorbell rang and he found a shy blue eyed shadowhunter.  
This time, he found someone he has known for a long time.  
'Have you been crying, Magnus?' Tessa sounded worried.  
'Not at all. Come in. I wasn't expecting your visit, is everything alright?'  
'It is, for me. But I went to the institute to see Jace and Isabelle told me it's Alexander's birthday. I thought you'd need a friend.'  
'Well, you thought good. I don't know if a friend is exactly what I need, but surely it's nice to have someone who understands me to talk to. Chairman Meow is not the best option, you know? he's kinda selfish.'  
'I'm always here for you, Magnus. You helped me when I needed it and I owe you a lot and you know it. If you are missing him that much, why don't you call him? I'm sure it would be a nice birthday present. Probably the best one'  
'It's not that easy. I left Alexander because I would never be more ready to leave him than in that moment. He just doesn't understand immortality. He thinks I was born to have fun and make magic and travel and know and enjoy. And there's no way to explain him that immortality is not joy. No way for him to understand that even though I've been with lots of people, I just did it because I felt alone. But I never loved someone the way I do love him. I never will. And it hurts. He's getting older and I'm not there for him. I will regret it so much when he dies, I will never forgive myself for it.'  
'Then do something to change it, Magnus. People that's not immortal just doesn't understand it. I didn't understand it untill Will died. Untill I realised everything was gonna die and leave me here. You look like a careless person. But I do know how much you suffered and how your words helped me to get over it. When you talked to me like that I understood your suffering. I understood that it hurts you even though you try to hide it. And I know it because you talked to me. I'm sure you never told Alexander about that. You never told him how painful being immortal is. I know it's hard to be open and to talk about your suffering and to show your weakness to others. But you love him and it's the only way to get him back.'  
'I just think he will never understand me. And I will never be ready to say goodbye again. Remember how painful it was to lose William? remember those nights screaming and crying and wanting to die? I don't want it to happen once again.'  
'You will never know if you don't try. I know it's weird for me to tell you what to do when you helped me so much and you seem to understand everyone. But I know what it feels like to lose someone you love so much. And I risked myself to suffer again now with Jem. But it's worth it. Even though I know Jem is gonna leave me someday, every single moment I spend with him is wonderful and precious and I wouldn't change a thing. It's up to you to change it. It's up to you  
to go and hug him and tell him how much you love and miss him.'  
"It's up to you to go and hug him and tell him how much you love and miss him" the words repeated in his head.

Alec woke up at Izzy sitting in his bed and singing that happy birthday song. He hated when she did that kind of stuff, but he knew it was important for his sister to celebrate everything and he would not be the one to broke her heart. When Izzy left he took a long bath - one of the reflexive ones - and thought about everything that happened in the last year. When Clary appeared in their lives and changed everything. Max's death. This was his first birthday since his little brother was born without Max playing around, asking questions and making him smile. Thought on how unfair life is and how Max will never turn 19, or have a first love.

First love. Alec thought of Magnus. His very own first love. His sassy comments and how he loved playing with his hair. The weird clothes he wears and his crazy parties. That moment when they met. Magnus' confidence, and vocabulary, and ideas, and colorful life. The way he thinks. How wise he is. The wonderful moments they had. Their first kiss.  
Their last kiss.  
Magnus was both the best and the worst of the past year. Alec thought about their break up so many times it still surprised him how sad it makes him. He loves Magnus.  
And maybe he should've been more understanding about his past life. If Magnus was disposed to spend the rest of Alec's life by his side, he should've said yes.  
Even though they would look weird they both loved each other so much and there's nothing Alec would rather to do than dying in Magnus' arms. First and eternal love.  
'God, I'm an idiot' he said while he toweled off. Someone knocked on the bathroom door.  
'Alec, are you there?' said a known voice. Alec grunt. He was so deep in his thoughts. 'Is everything alright?' said Jace.

'I'll be out in a minute' Alec replied.

A year ago he would love Jace to knock upon his door. Life changes so fast, wish he hadn't screw things up with Magnus.  
When he went down his family was waiting for him. They gave him various gifts, including books, a new dagger and a jacket - a PURPLE jacket. Izzy will never get the fact that Alec loves black. Simon laughed out loud at Alec's face when he asked 'are there other colors available?'.

He felt almost complete. Seeing his family reunited. His parents, his sister, Jace. Clary and Simon, who became part of his family in the last times. Everybody looked happy. They hadn't looked happy since Max's death. Anyway, Alec couldn't help but feeling sad and missing Max. And wishing Magnus was there. Even though he tried to act like if everything was perfect.  
Izzy walked past him, put a hand on his shoulder and told at his ear 'everything will be alright, Alec. Enjoy this moment, please. Do it for us.'  
And he did his best to. Even though he was sad. Even though he wanted to turn back time. To save his little brother. To be a better boyfriend. He felt empty but happy at the same time. He knew everyone around there was thinking about Max right know. It was obvious and it was totally okay. And they were doing their best for Alec not to feel sad in his birthday day. He should try and do his best too. He would.  
He spent the rest of the day with his family remembering old times. And then, later, he went to the park with his friends and sister and had fun under the sun.  
It was supposed to be an amazing birthday, actually, it was going pretty well.

Magnus took a shower and spent an hour fixing his hair and doing his best to look fantastic. 'Magnificent' he said to the mirror after he chose a red shirt and leather pants with a black Armani blazer. Black eyeliner, hair gel and a gradient of glitter completed the perfect look for a - very - special night.  
He decided to walk to the Institute so he could clear his mind and get ready for what was expecting him. It's not like if he wasn't good at words, but clearly it was a special ocassion and every single word should be chosen with care because he didn't want to screw things up - once again -.  
He stood in front of the Institute door for a while. Thinking what to do and what to say, imagining the moment. Magnus took a deep breath and just a second before he pressed the doorbell, he felt a hand in his shoulder. Not knowing what to expect, he turned around, and found the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen.

Alec's blue eyes were shinning like a bunch of diamonds and looked at him with a spark of surprise and happiness.  
'Magnus' he said, with a tone of admiration and surprise.  
'Alexander'. Alec tensed. Nobody but Magnus told him Alexander. He loved the way he said it and the memories it brought him. He looked up at Magnus expecting for him to say something.

'Happy birthday' finally said the warlock with a half smile.  
'Thank you' Alec smiled. It felt like the first time. Like every single time they met. Like if they never broke up. Their bodies wanted each other's.  
'Here, take it.' he gave Alec a blue scarf. 'I love how blue highlights your eyes'.  
Alec could do nothing but smile. He was mad at Magnus, it's true. It was cruel the way he left him and it was hard for him to understand it. But it doesn't matter  
how mad and upset he was. Magnus was there. Magnus remembered his birthday. Magnus came to the Institute to congratulate him. Magnus was smiling at him. And it was the best birthday present someone could ever give him.  
'Once again, thank you. I never thought you would remember my birthday'.  
'Alexander, that's all I've been thinking about in the last few days. Thinking either if I should come or not. But then I realised that I would regret my whole entire life if I didn't come today. I need to talk to you. Maybe you're busy tonight, but I'd love to go out with you and have that chat we owe each other'.  
'Today is fine'. Magnus smiled.  
'Well then, blue eyed cutie pie, would you rather staying at my home or going out for dinner?'  
'I kind of miss Chairman Meow'  
Another half smile appeared on the warlock's face. 'Then home. You're gonna love the new decoration'  
Alec laughed and walked along his favourite warlock while the sun was going down and the city started to sleep.

Magnus made some chinese food appear and they sat on the couch. Alec was as tense as happy, and the warlock, for the first time in hundreds of years, was nervous (really nervous) about the conversation they were going to have.  
'Alexander, I think I owe you an apologize'  
'I thought I'd be really mad at you the next time we see each other, but I'm not. I can't blame you, I ruined it. I'm an idiot. I should understand you, right? it's not ok to be jealous of the relationships you've been in before we even met. It's so stupid.'  
'Well, but maybe you don't understand immortality the way I do. Alexander, immortality is not pure joy and wisdom. I know that's what you think it is like. I know that is how everyone thinks being immortal is. But it's nothing like that. I may have dated lots of persons, but it all was because I was lonely, and loneliness hurts and becomes actual physical pain. Being immortal means not having anyone to share your entire life with. Not a friend, not a couple, no one.  
Every death of a beloved one is like a dagger in the soul. And not just like any normal mortal death. Because you may've suffered lots of deaths.  
But imagine how many have_ I_ suffered, since I've been alive for more than 800 years. I am afraid of loosing you, I am afraid of not being there for you while you  
grow up. And I don't care if it sounds weird, if we will look weird or stupid when you are 70 and I will look like this. I'm not afraid, because at least  
I will live every single moment of your life with you. I will be there for you and you will be there for me. I want you to know there's nothing I wouldn't do  
to give up my immortality. I don't want to be eternal, Alec. I want to be eternal for you, I want to live as long as you do, I want to grow up with you  
but if it's imposible, I want to be there while you grow up. And I promess I will never leave you. And I promess I will never change you.  
I want to be with you as long as you live, it doesn't matter if it's a year or a billion of them. I want to be there and I will, if you let me.  
I love you Alexander. I will always love you. Always in an immortal way. Eternaly. And I've never loved someone as much as I love you. I never will and I want  
to share it; with you, and with the world. I belong to you and every single day I'm away from you my soul hurts. And it got worst today, that's why I went to see you. We belong together, Alexander Gideon Lightwood.'  
'I've missed you so much, wish you knew how stupid I've been feeling since you left me. I never loved anyone the way I love you, and I don't think  
I ever will. I'm not good at words and you know it. But I'm really sorry for being such an idiot and behaving so stupidly. I know I have to trust you. And I do. My  
heart will always belong to you, Magnus. Since the day we met and forever. No matter how far from each other we are. I know you are alive and that's enough for me to feel you and love you.'

'You don't need to say a lot. Just let me know you feel the way I do. Tell me you're disposed to start again. To trust me and believe me when I say I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. There is so much to say, and time is so finite when you are mortal. Let's stop trying to explain with words what we can explain with actions. Let me show you I will always love you. Let me come back to your life. Let me stop feeling alone at night, let me stop imagining you by my side, let me wake up at your face, at your body, at the way our bodies compliment each other. The way we look at each other and laugh. The way we understand what we mean without even talking. I even miss our fights, every single time I tried to put some make up on your face or make you wear glitter and sparks and failed epically._ I miss us_. Please, let's do that again and I promess I wont dissapoint you. I swear, for God's sake, I never felt so in need of someone. Let's try. Once again. Now we know exactly how we feel for each other. Pride split us up before. Let's not screw it up once again.'  
And then he kissed Alec, he kissed him like if he was never going to see him again. Kissed him and touched him. And felt once again the flavour of his mouth. The sweet flavour of his lips and his tongue and his teeth. They mixed as if they were the same. Once again their bodies were one. They touched each other as if they were hungry. Magnus kissed every single part of Alec's face, and then his neck. And Alec moaned. And needed more. It was like if they never split up. Magnus held Alec's hand and took him to his bedroom, _their_ bedroom. Their bed, that bed they shared before, where they had fun and had no restrinctions and fears and all what happened between them was love. They couldn't stop telling each other how much they loved them.  
But tonight everything was love. They shown each other how much they cared about the other. They touched as if the other was going to break in pieces.  
After hours of having fun there was only one thing to say before they fell asleep.  
'It was the best birthday ever.'  
And Magnus smiled and closed his eyes, dreaming, in Alec's arms, with the most wonderful an peaceful face Alec has ever seen.


End file.
